Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize