I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize