I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
