I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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