the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
