I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
