I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
