Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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