We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
