I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
