Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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