I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
