I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
