Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
