Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize