I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
