I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
