piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
