...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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