dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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