High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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