Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
