So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
