wat bout pragnant strippers??
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
