the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
