so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
