if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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