Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
