Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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