please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
