I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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