i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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