I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
