where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
