Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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