Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I cannot find my penis.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
