now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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