i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
