woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
