so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
