her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
