my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
