I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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