yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
