Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize