I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
