Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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