if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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