His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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