I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
