o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
