tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
