Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
