After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
