I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
