Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
