then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Randomize
