I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize