I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
